hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
