I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
