he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
