Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
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he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
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Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
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