Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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