I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
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Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
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I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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