Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
