I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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