i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
