Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
