Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
