Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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