she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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