I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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