i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
