you have to choose: penises or morals?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
