He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
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Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
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She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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