Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
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