i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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