I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
