I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
MIDGETS
????
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
