Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
