The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
