Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
operation harelip BJ is a go
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
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you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
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the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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