Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
