you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
