I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
