my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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