She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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