ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
