remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
