Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's shark week go big or go home
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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