last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
