so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
