Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
