Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
