What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
