If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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