she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
