he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
