Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
