My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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