I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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