He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
