Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
