Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
