can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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