I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
the day after is always just damage control
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
