the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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