woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
