worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
