Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
