Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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