Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
