You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
