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he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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