i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I've blown a few things in my day
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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