There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
