I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
