Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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